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Dear Ikea,

I almost went to Goodwill, ALMOST. But I needed a specific size and just didn't have the time to dig around. So I went to Ikea to find that large, square frame.

And lo! Ikea of Burbank had one, just as my fevered dreams had imagined! 17" x 17", made of particleboard, pixie dust and...nail files? Little metal nail files? Is that what I'm picking up off of my floor? Regardless, I put it in my cart, and shelled out $17.99 to have my artwork framed.

Truly, it did highlight the artwork the 60-odd seconds it managed to cling to life, before falling onto the floor and shattering into bits.

And the fact that I wasn't able to return it to the store because it had been "altered?" (eg - I'd glued a scrap of an old t-shirt to it, in my pathetic attempt to make it look like I'd shelled out the big bucks for a custom job, rather than resorting to your affordable Swedish ghetto of sorrow.) Truly priceless. I love throwing away my money, really I do. Makes me all squishy inside, particularly when I'm unemployed and have bills to pay.

I trust the manager got some good excercise picking up the bits of frame I hurled into her cafe upon hearing my $17.99 and I were parted forever. Stretching, bending, squinting to get every last piece of particle and every last stray metal bit. ISN'T IT FUN?? :D Now close your eyes, and pretend you just spent almost $20 on those bits you're sweeping from under the meatball case. Twenty hard-scrounged dollars you will never see again. Maybe you'd like to kick something in your anger? Can I offer you this poorly-made Glugg chair? Although, considering it's missing vital bolts already, perhaps you'd best direct your anger at this Keppin sofa instead. It's hard as a dried turd, but at least it won't fall apart on your foot.

Your (now former) customer,


Product or Service Mentioned: Ikea Sofa.

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